Anti-Semitic Cold

What you may or may not know about the burning chunk of manliness that you’re imagining as you read this, is that I didn’t have my first cold until I was thirty. Oh sure, I managed to work through the aches, pains and fever of both flu and pneumonia, but never had a cold or the basic symptoms of one.

What I’m telling you is that this nose here has only recently begun to run, and the muscled and toned body you’re imagining connected to that nose (gosh you have a good imagination) isn’t used to sneezing and sniffling. So it should come as no surprise that I’m hit by colds much like a child would be as they’re a new phenomenon to me. That’s embarrassing to me, and cuts into my productivity (fried chicken ain’t gonna eat itself) so each time I hope that the next one will be the one where my body (that glistening muscled thing that’s making you lick your lips right now) grows up and learns to deal with it. And, with the cold that I have right now, it seems to have done just that. Unfortunately, it seems that growing up and casual racism go together because I have an anti-semitic cold.

I know what you’re seeing right now. Your minds eye lifts from the glory of my moobs and looks upon my face, seeing some sort of Hitler style moustache formed from the things dribbling from my perfectly formed nose. Oh, if only it were that simple. The problem lies with my sneezes, you see. Now, I’ve got the first part down and everything is fine with that.

cold1

I would go so far as to say I’ve mastered that part. It’s the second part where the problems lie. Rather than following that collection of Ahs with a nice unhealthy Choo, I’ve been, well…

cold2

As is the case with anti-semitic colds, the more I become aware of the problem the louder and more definitely pronounced it gets. It also adds a particularly dark spin to any of the advice you normally get for dealing with colds too when you’re walking around seemingly shouting “JEW!!!” at the top of your voice. God knows what the neighbours think.

The worst part of this is that I can’t risk going out to get my favourite chicken wings as they’re sold in a part of the city that is mostly populated by the Polish.