The Immortal Bill Hicks

This is a routine from one of the greatest stand up comics who ever lived. You’ll see a lot of his work make it’s way into this segment eventually. Ladies and Gentlemen, the immortal Bill Hicks…

Fundamentalist Christianity. Fascinating. These people actually believe the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. “Based on what?” I asked them.
“Well we looked at all the people in the Bible, and we added them up all the way back to Adam and Eve. Their ages, twelve thousand years!”
Well how fucking scientific. I didn’t know you’d gone to so much trouble there. That’s good.
“Okay, you actually believe the world is only twelve thousand years old?”
“Okay I’ve got one question to ask you. A one word question. You ready?”
“Uh huh…”
“Dinosaurs?”

You know the world’s twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed in that time, you’d think it would’ve been mentioned in the fucking Bible somewhere.
And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth and lo a gigantic Diplodocus blocked their path…with a thorn in it’s foot. And lo, the disciples did run for their lives, screaming “What a big fucking lizard, Lord.”
But Jesus was unafraid, and pulled the thorn from the dinosaur’s paw and sent the lizard to Scotland where he lived for hundreds of years in a Loch, visited by thousands of American tourists who bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills. And lo did Scotland’s men rejoice and praise the lord by wearing skirts for the rest of their lives.

“Actually God put dinosaur bones here to test our faith.”
“I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. Seriously, does it bother anyone else that God might be fucking with our heads?”
***Bill mimes digging a hole***
“Ho ho ho, lets see who believes in me now. Stupid fuckers…”

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27 thoughts on “The Immortal Bill Hicks

  1. :lol:.A hundred years earlier and he'd have been burned as a witch. :lol:.people seem to have forgotten the religious books were meant as a guide to healthy living and not as a natural history encyclopedia! :left:

  2. "people seem to have forgotten the religious books were meant as a guide to healthy living and not as a natural history encyclopedia!"I understand that if you're conversant in the Hebrew of, for instance, the original text of Genesis, it also reads very differently to the versions familiar to most modern readers. 'Adam', for instance, is a plural word.I've been reading a little about it here:http://www.dreamhawk.com/ainsoph.htm

  3. 😆 I was approached by a born again Christian on a plane (no less) once. He tried his missionary thing on me, I asked him about the dinosaurs, he went back to his seat again :D.

  4. Ask the christian missionary about the word 'Elohim', not only is it a plural, but it is also a feminine version of the word. This is one of the words in the old testament for God. :whistle:

  5. "Ask the christian missionary about the word 'Elohim', not only is it a plural, but it is also a feminine version of the word. This is one of the words in the old testament for God."Yes, all this kind of stuff is fascinating.

  6. You could also ask about the mistranslation that gave us 'camel through the eye of a needle', or the disparities between the two gospels who wrote about the Nativity.I'm not sure where I know 'Elohim' from – maybe the Silmarillion?

  7. Naw, the 2.7 jiggahertz flux capacitors are on international backorder. The Holodrive won't work without that,either. The WSJ, The London Times, and the NYT all report that it's a Ferengai plot to raise prices. :insane:

  8. I suppose I'm lucky I've got an old 'Type Forty' model from before the 2.7 jigaahertz flux capacitor days. Basic, but very inter-model compatible.

  9. I've managed to eliminate the need for a flux capacitor completely. I constructed my spaceship/time machine around an infinite improbability drive. I use a supernonconductor core wrapped around a toroid covered with chocolate sprinkles dipped in a cup of warm tea. It works even when the tea is only tepid, albeit a bit slower then. It only takes one byte to get from point a to point b. (although the journey usually takes you through points q, u and r as well :whistle:)

  10. Now, you're making me jealous. I've been working on a means of powering my holo-drive with lemon juice instead of dilithium crystals, but you're way ahead of me there. If only I'd thought of that.

  11. Hmmm, but surely if a journey takes you through A QUeeR Bee then all journeys will damage the queens and bee society will be irrevocably destroyed taking honey off the face of the planet! Don't start your infernal contraption or we'll all die! :insane:

  12. It's been working fine for several years now without a problem! :irked: .Oh wait! :eyes: maybe that's the cause of the dissappearing honey bees in North America!!! :whistle:

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