I’ve just been writing my letter to Santa.
Dear Satan Claus, devourer of childrens souls.
This year I have been a very Ritalin-addled little advertising tampon. I have sometimes pillaged, and I have always helped my mommy’s “special friend” with their colostomy bag. And I always say thank you, which makes it seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of blank cheques this year!
Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring the onset of menopause. For my daddy, please bring a new topaz studded ass plug. For my little brother, please bring methodone. For my hamster, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh, and for my case worker, please bring some work ethic.
Now about me! Please bring me all of the Spongebob Squarepants toilet paper, and front-row tickets to Mary-Kate and Ashley – plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don’t forget to bring my amputee Afghan orphan. But if you can’t, just remember that what I want more than anything Santa, is $100,000,000! Anyway, I hope you like the eight-ball I left out for you.
PS: Please say Merry Christmas to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.
PPS: Oh yeah, and remember George Bush? He has been a really perverted coprophile all year long and doesn’t deserve any Christmas presents. So please don’t forget to put ebola in their stocking. Thanks!