Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.
Yeah it’s an old joke. Yeah, it’s a bad joke. But it’s actually a lot more accurate than you might think. After all…
Santa Claus is real and I can prove it!
- 270CE – Nicholas is born in Licea (now Turkey).
- 325CE – Nicholas, now Bishop of Myra is part of the Council of Nicaea, the people who created the new testament of the Bible. It has been theorised that his personal beliefs lead to the inclusion of several anti-semetic lines of text.
- 345CE – Nicholas dies on December 6th.
- Time Unknown – A cult arises worshipping Nicholas. Different variations of the cult start calling Nicholas a Saint, although what he is saint of varies from person to person. Some say families, others say seafaring and these varied beliefs have travelled all over the world today. Nicholas has never officially been canonised.
- 1087AD – A group of italian sailors who are part of the cult that worships Nicholas, take Nicholas’ bones from their resting place in Turkey by force and move them to Bari, Italy. In this area the Grandmother, a gift giving deity who puts presents in children’s stockings is replaced by Nicholas when her shrine is taken over by Nicholas’ worshippers. Members gave each other gifts on the eve of Nicholas’ death, during a festival.
- Time Unknown – The cult spreads to Germanic and Celtic pagans where Nicholas starts to replace Odin. Legends of Odin give him a long, white beard and have him riding a flying horse through the heavens every Autumn. As Nicholas supplants Odin his Turkish looks are replaced with Odin’s description, the character starts to wear winter clothing and the flight through the heavens is rescheduled as being December 6th.
- Time Unknown – The Catholic Church decides to bring the pagans “into the flock”. The Catholics adapt the Nicholas cult and start to teach that he sent gifts on December 25th, not December 6th. Followers of both religions start to bring this into their Christmas beliefs.
- 1809AD – Washington Irving (author of The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow) writes a satire of Dutch culture called Knickerbocker History. In the book he refers several times to the white bearded, flying horse riding Saint Nicholas, using his Dutch name – Santa Claus.
- 1822AD – Dr Clement Moore, reads Knickerbocker History and publishes a poem based on Santa Claus – Twas The Night Before Christmas. In this poem the flying horse is replaced by eight flying reindeer and Santa is portrayed as coming down chimneys for the first time.
- 1862AD – Harper’s Weekly starts to publish cartoons based on The Night Before Christmas. These cartoons elaborated on the myth by portraying Santa as a jolly fat man who lives in the North Pole and has a workshop full of elves helping to make toys.
- 1931AD – The myth is finally completed. The Coca Cola corporation hires an artist to create a version of Santa drinking Coke, with one directive – Santa’s suit must be Coca Cola red.
So there you have it folks. Santa Claus is a real person but, far from being the lovable fat guy we all know, he’s from Turkey, displaced several gods, wrote the bible, was possibly a racist and sold a hell of a lot of soft drinks.
Merry Christmas everyone.