Santa – The Beginning

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Yeah it’s an old joke. Yeah, it’s a bad joke. But it’s actually a lot more accurate than you might think. After all…

Santa Claus is real and I can prove it!

  • 270CE – Nicholas is born in Licea (now Turkey).
  • 325CE – Nicholas, now Bishop of Myra is part of the Council of Nicaea, the people who created the new testament of the Bible. It has been theorised that his personal beliefs lead to the inclusion of several anti-semetic lines of text.
  • 345CE – Nicholas dies on December 6th.
  • Time Unknown – A cult arises worshipping Nicholas. Different variations of the cult start calling Nicholas a Saint, although what he is saint of varies from person to person. Some say families, others say seafaring and these varied beliefs have travelled all over the world today. Nicholas has never officially been canonised.
  • 1087AD – A group of italian sailors who are part of the cult that worships Nicholas, take Nicholas’ bones from their resting place in Turkey by force and move them to Bari, Italy. In this area the Grandmother, a gift giving deity who puts presents in children’s stockings is replaced by Nicholas when her shrine is taken over by Nicholas’ worshippers. Members gave each other gifts on the eve of Nicholas’ death, during a festival.
  • Time Unknown – The cult spreads to Germanic and Celtic pagans where Nicholas starts to replace Odin. Legends of Odin give him a long, white beard and have him riding a flying horse through the heavens every Autumn. As Nicholas supplants Odin his Turkish looks are replaced with Odin’s description, the character starts to wear winter clothing and the flight through the heavens is rescheduled as being December 6th.
  • Time Unknown – The Catholic Church decides to bring the pagans “into the flock”. The Catholics adapt the Nicholas cult and start to teach that he sent gifts on December 25th, not December 6th. Followers of both religions start to bring this into their Christmas beliefs.
  • 1809AD – Washington Irving (author of The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow) writes a satire of Dutch culture called Knickerbocker History. In the book he refers several times to the white bearded, flying horse riding Saint Nicholas, using his Dutch name – Santa Claus.
  • 1822AD – Dr Clement Moore, reads Knickerbocker History and publishes a poem based on Santa Claus – Twas The Night Before Christmas. In this poem the flying horse is replaced by eight flying reindeer and Santa is portrayed as coming down chimneys for the first time.
  • 1862AD – Harper’s Weekly starts to publish cartoons based on The Night Before Christmas. These cartoons elaborated on the myth by portraying Santa as a jolly fat man who lives in the North Pole and has a workshop full of elves helping to make toys.
  • 1931AD – The myth is finally completed. The Coca Cola corporation hires an artist to create a version of Santa drinking Coke, with one directive – Santa’s suit must be Coca Cola red.

So there you have it folks. Santa Claus is a real person but, far from being the lovable fat guy we all know, he’s from Turkey, displaced several gods, wrote the bible, was possibly a racist and sold a hell of a lot of soft drinks.

Merry Christmas everyone.


90 thoughts on “Santa – The Beginning

  1. We have a pub in the town called 'Old Nicks', but a picture of the Devil. I was joking with the Polska lads at work that everyone is afraid of the Devil, except the Germans who called him Santa. =o)

  2. Wait … you mean … to get on the 'Nice' list … I have to drink a lot of Coke … ? But … that'd make me burp … and burping's naughty … :cry:No wonder a lot of people think Christmas is commericalized … Santa's current look was created by one of the largest corporations … ?! :eyes:

  3. I've heard it explained as a reference to the Nick in this post, and in reference to Machiaveli as Nick was his first name. And yeah, spelling is probably way off there. πŸ˜†

  4. Shouldn't that be," Mutters obcenities, about Australians."? πŸ˜† Now you've got me thinking about the Victor Borge routine, putting sounds to punctuation marks.

  5. Now you've got me thinking about the Victor Borge routine, putting sounds to punctuation marks

    That's a classic πŸ˜€ His happy birthday one is great too.

  6. I think my true confessions TNG are now public. :left:.OMG, I've been outed! :yikes:. Karen (Nerak) won't like me anymore. :awww:. (she's a TNG fan).:lol::lol:

  7. My dad brought the St. Nicolaus celebration with him so when I was a kid, I always had to polish my winter boots and place them in the windowsill.The next morning, if the boots were good enough polished, it would be filled with chocolate and goodies :D.One year, I thought I'd outsmart St. Nic and polished the biggest boot I could find.Filled with anticipation, I ran into the kitchen window the next day, only to find that it was filled with clementines :yikes::lol:

  8. * Checks conversion program out of sheer curiosity … *Hmm … actually … I'm, 229 pounds and my mind is suddenly turning to New Year's resolutions … :eyes:

  9. The real question is, how much of that 229 pounds is 'bacon' and how much of it is muscle tissue. :whistle:.New Year's resolutions are over rated and totally pointless. Start today what needs to be done. Don't wait for 'that day' :left:

  10. No, the real question is, how fast can Mik run now that he called Kimmie a 300 pound pig, and where will he be living tomorrow? :worried:

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