Crap Actually

Researchers at the Heriot Watt University in Edinburgh have found that the thing on the right is responsible for problems in the way people relate to each other. It’s also responsible for making real men vomit repeatedly. They found fans of romantic comedy films such as Notting Hill (their example of comedy, not mine) often fail to communicate their needs with their partner. Many held the entirely unrealistic view that if someone is meant to be with you, then they should know what you want without you having to tell them.

Psychologists at the Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory at the university studied 40 top box office hits between 1995 and 2005, and identified common themes which they believed were unrealistic, including You’ve Got Mail, The Wedding Planner and While You Were Sleeping. The study found that fans of romantic comedies had a stronger belief in predestined love.

Marriage counsellors often see couples who believe that sex should always be perfect, and if someone is meant to be with you then they will know what you want without you needing to communicate it. We now have some emerging evidence that suggests popular media play a role in perpetuating these ideas in people’s minds. The problem is that while most of us know that the idea of a perfect relationship is unrealistic, some of us are still more influenced by media portrayals than we realise.
Dr Bjarne Holmes – project leader

Films do capture the excitement of new relationships but they also wrongly suggest that trust and committed love exist from the moment people meet, whereas these are qualities that normally take years to develop.
Kimberly Johnson – researcher on the project

Is it really just me that realises that a good relationship takes work right from the beginning? I’ve always known this. It’s common bloody sense! I just can’t quite wrap my head around the concept that there are people out there who actually believe the sort of crap that these films sell. People who believe we’ll all meet someone new, be perfectly in tune with each other, have great sex straight from the beginning (even if it’s good, it gets better as you become more in tune with each other), and know exactly how to make each other happy without being asked. The idea that there are people who are stupid enough to not only believe that but to base their relationships on it scares me, and also helps to explain the amount of divorces we have these days.

The study has moved online, so if you’d like to have your relationship views analysed to see where you’re going wrong, hit this link.

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35 thoughts on “Crap Actually

  1. Love actually – I have seen it. I had no films of perverted sex and violence or Buffy The Vampire Slayer by the hand as an alternative. Rowan Atkinson is for about 20 secs in the film, even shorter than Claudia Schiffer.

  2. I love the fact that some questions are blatantly "If you think this you're bloody barking mate" questions but people have said yes anyway. :lol:.Darko, get out of my head! :bomb::cry:

  3. Love is not an emotion, which most people get wrong in their definition of it anyhow. It means commitment, plain and simple. If you love someone, you're committed to them – and therefore, to the relationship. If you want a great love story, watch "Notebook" with Jack Nickleson. That movie was all about committment.

  4. If you think love is only commitment then you've obviously never been in love properly. It's about fear of loss, nausea that feels good, the need to be around each other. It may just be a chemical response to finding a genetically compatible partner, but it makes a hell of a lot of things happen.

  5. Feel good things? 🙄 The fact remains that love is about way more than commitment. You can be committed without love or in love without committment. Having been in all three parts of the latter I know that at least to be true.Self medication with alcohol eh? Hope you kicked his ass back into reality?

  6. If you think love is only commitment then you've obviously never been in love properly. It's about fear of loss, nausea that feels good, the need to be around each other.

    Try being married to someone with manic bipolar disorder that refused to take prescribed medicine and self-medicated with alcohol. You'll soon realize there's a different type of love, and it's called self-preservation. All those feel good things go right out the window.

  7. Fan, haven't you kidnapped most people here at one point and tortured them in your dungeon? :left: If that's shy I'd hate to see you come out of your shell. :insane:

  8. I told him it wasn't exactly intelligent to be mixing alcohol with medicine, and he prides himself on his intelligence. It went in one ear, and out the other. He quit drinking for about six months. Now he's right back at it. You can't make someone stop drinking if they don't want to, and he has admitted that he's an alcoholic.

  9. You start preaching to someone who prides themselves with their intelligence, by pointing out that they're supposed to be intelligent and you're actually calling them an idiot for not agreeing with you which leads to antagonism.

  10. Remember always that it's bi-polar not uni-polar. That means he has highs as well as lows, and isn't stuck needing you constantly. If you do coddle him and he only comes out of his lows when you do then you and he have trained his mental state that way. He needs to learn how to come out of them himself again without having to rely on you. For want of a less insulting analogy (and believe me I'd love to use a better one) it's like taking a security blanket away from a frightened child. It's not healthy for the child to have one for too long and in this case you've become the security blanket for your husband. It's not good for him and certainly not good for you. Bit by bit you've got to wean him away from you and teach him to be more self reliant again. Anything else isn't giving him the respect you'd expect for yourself.Forget his mental illness for a moment, and answer me a question. Would you let him get away with drinking this much and acting infallible if he didn't have problems? People with mental illnesses react to things the exact same way you and I do, but with some minor aberrations. They're still people and not everything can be attributed to the illness. Just because I have delusions of grandeur doesn't mean I can't be an asshole, etc. The greatest favour you can do him is to treat him like these problems don't exist most of the time. It's hard, but it's the only way you both have a chance of a life.

  11. How would you handle it? His attitude is that he's never wrong about anything, and he has to be coddled just to keep him in a good mood.

  12. To clear things up here, I need to tell you we've been divorced for 18 years. I didn't let him get away with crap when we were married. He was in the US Navy then, and if his drinking got out of control, I would call his Chief and have him put in detox. I did that about every 3 months for the 6 years we were together. The first two times, I gave him a warning that if he didn't knock it off, I'd have him picked up. He laughed about those. The third time, and every time after that, there was no warning. He became a weekend alcoholic, which was even worse, because he was drunk from Friday night until Sunday morning and then would sleep it off all day. He did not admit he was an alcoholic until October, 2007. He expected everything to go according to his plans. (That hasn't changed). He prefers living on a fixed schedule, and Heaven forbid anything mess it up. Life for him then takes a nosedive – His plans are shot, therefore, the sky is falling. Instead of being able to talk sensibly to him, he would shut everything out, and become violent, so I'd end up taking the kids and go stay with friends or my family for a few days, until he'd call and tell me that he was better. He'd be ok for a day or two, until something would go wrong at work, or his mother would call and set him off, or one of the kids would get sick. When I finally left for good, he learned he could not call me and start screaming at me, because it was just too easy for me to hang up the phone. I am always the one he calls to fix things for him, when all it would take is some rational thinking – which he has not been able to do because his mood swings are so frequent – and can change in an instant. The medicine he's on seems to be working. I'm not around him 24/7, but I can tell when he's forgotten to take it, and usually remind him. We've been talking about getting back together, and to tell the truth, I never got over him, but I told him I wasn't going to move in with him until we see how this medicine works, because I'm not putting myself back through what I went through the first time. I do love him, and I do miss him, but I do not miss the constant arguing, petty bickering, and screaming matches one bit.

  13. Two words – trial basis. Don't make any long term decisions. Like I've said before so many times, some things can be attributed to mental illness, but most people use that as an excuse for any problem someone with a mental problem has. Differentiating between mental illness and asshole is something psychiatry still hasn't bothered to get around to.

  14. I told him I wasn't going to rush anything, and that since we hadn't had a real relationship in 18 years, I would date him for a year before making up my mind. He then decided that since he wants to sell his house, that he would just move in with me, and I told him no. He can be manipulative, and this "not wanting to be ignored" bit that he's been giving me makes me feel like it's going to be a "connected at the hip" type of relationship that I do not want. It's great to have someone you want to spend time with, but not being able to go anywhere without them is something else entirely.

  15. Heh – You don't understand. My youngest brother has been married for 16 years to a woman who would have long ago driven me off if I had been him. I'm talking about getting smothered. People do need personal space, no matter how much they love each other. This is no BS – He cannot walk outside into their yard without her being right there by his side, even if all he's doing is going to get a piece of wood for the fireplace. He cannot come see our 2 other brothers, Mom & I without her calling and asking him what time he is coming home, or bitching because he came to see us without bringing her and the kids, and she wanted to go somewhere else. She does not make one single decision by herself and leans on him so much that he works 7 days a week just to get away from her. I don't want someone right there constantly without me being able to take a step away because they don't have enough confidence that I'm not going to go anywhere.

  16. Depends how committed to a relationship you are.Yeah, exact same answer shockingly. Never assume someone doesn't or can't understand what you're going through. Chances are they've been through the same or worse themselves.

  17. Point taken. Now answer this for me – Do you & Kim each have different interests, different friends, different likes & dislikes, or do you spend all of your time together?

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