A Month Of Spam

I’ve been running an experiment this month to see just what the effects of my monthly spam would be if I acted on it all. Read on.


Supermarket Shopping Vouchers

In the past 31 days I have been sent notification of £13,050 worth of vouchers to spend at Sainsburys, Tesco, ASDA and Marks and Spencers. As there are only two of us in my household we spend about £50 per week at those places at the most. How fat do the bastards think I am?

Weight Loss Products

Very fat is the answer to the last question as I’ve been sent 207 free samples of weight loss products to claim. Where does all that weight come from?

Penis Enlargements

Each mail claims that they can add an entire three inches to my penis. Unfortunately in the space of the last month I’ve had so many spam mails offering me a penis enlargement that it would be 3,078 inches long by now, including my regular size plus 3 inches per mail. Do I look like Godzilla trampling over Tokyo? What the hell could anyone do with a penis that size?

Dating Services

I’ve had a load of different offers from dating services, usually from “young girls seeking older men”. Oh yeah? You mean girls who’re looking for guys more likely to have a job, house, car and money to spend on them? We call them whores. Still, with a three thousand inch penis I suppose I could slot the 107 dates I’ve been offered on there at the same time easily, making the world’s largest kebab.

Viagra

With a three thousand inch penis carrying 107 women I’ll need the 3,030 viagra tablets I’ve been offered in my spam just to make the damn thing move.

Laser Eye Surgery

I’ve been offered a lot of laser eye surgery. Actually let me rephrase that. I’ve been offered a LOT of laser eye surgery. So much in fact that I’d feel safer getting Luke Skywalker drunk then letting him perform the surgery with his lightsaber!

Russian Brides

If I got a bride from every single message I’d had about them, I’d have 309 wives right now. That’s a lot of women to be pissed off about the 107 women I found at the dating services. Of course my penis size means they’re all in wheelchairs now so I can easily escape them while they’re using vouchers to shop at Tesco.

Inheritance

Someone is going around the globe, systematically wiping out my family. People keep dying in highly suspicious plane crashes and as the closest surviving member of their family I’m getting the inheritance. It’s starting to worry me, especially as my family are all using Nigerian lawyers to send me my inheritance. Have I stumbled on to an international plot which my family is involved in? Could that be why the police wont look into my claims?

Pain Relief

I must look in pain or something because people just keep sending me offers to try out new painkillers and relieve my headache. I messaged all 47 offers back, telling them that I’m just grieving for my family and that my three thousand inch penis doesn’t leave enough blood going to my brain for me to have the headache they assume I’m suffering from.

Loans

With 309 wives and 107 girls on the side it’s a good job that banks are so willing to lend me money. £805,000 to be exact. Having checked out the interest rates (64% APR on one of them!) all I’ll say is that it’s also a good job that we have vouchers to buy food with and so many inheritances to pay back the loans.


I hope you enjoyed this brief trip through a month’s worth of spam.

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62 thoughts on “A Month Of Spam

  1. I also won 331 iPhones in competitions that I'd willingly entered according to the mails. Do they even know who they're sending this crap to? 🙄

  2. 😆 that's alot of spam dude..I've got a email address specifically meant for spam :p.When I sign up for something then that address is used and voila! Spam! :insane:

  3. :lol:I`ve got a lot of spam but when I check on the links they say "Not available in your country."So no dating, penis enlargement and brides for me. Not to mention headache pills and phones :awww::P

  4. This is the funniest post I've read in ages! :lol:I must say that your spam is much more varied than mine is. "My spammers" seem to think that I need a larger penis, a lot of medication, plus a lot of new girlfriends. :faint:

  5. You get some stuff that hasn't found my address yet. :lol:.I've stopped posting spam since nothing new has turned up in some time. But the harppooned gang tried warning me that my paypal account had been used illegally recently! 😆

  6. Now if only they'd explain to me how to get a paypal account in South Africa. :p.I forwarded the email to paypal's fraud people before deleting it. It's the second one I've recieved although this one had verifiable malware links on it. :insane:. The website ip address that they link to has been identified as putting malware onto peoples computers. There are well over a hundred domain names linked to that ip address. :insane:.The moral of the story is, don't click links in unexpected emails!.Now it probably wouldn't have harmed me much since I'm using Operamini, but it could be rather hazardous to the Operamini servers.

  7. You need a creditcard to use paypal I've seen.. Something I won't be getting anytime in my lifetime :insane:

  8. Let me guess. "Your paypal accounts has been used fraudulently. Please provide your name, address and full bank details so we can fix it." Something like that?

  9. This isn't counting quite a few things by the way, probably less than half. I found it was too hard a job to count it all so cut it down to just the more persistant ones. :up:

  10. :lol:Ahh, spam. I've only been getting the usual, too: Replica watches, fake degrees (ooh – I can become a doctor without going to medical school), and the Bank of America telling me there's been suspiscious activity going on in my non-existent account. Not to mention the ones telling me that I'm getting them because I signed up for something from http://www.qigjrfjglsflfjfsfwffk.ru, but I can unsubscribe by clicking the link … 🙄 Plus the inevitable dong embiggening offers. You get much more interesting spam that I do. 😦 "Here's a post I did way back when I first began blogging regarding penis spam."Unwhispered by Furie. 😎

  11. I like the ones that start out,"Dearest One, …" who's father was an * tycoon, and was murdered by * . Help me get this $90100 out of my country… 🙄

  12. This is why I propose that admin on websites have a tool to make everyone's spam and chain letters come true in real life.

  13. Damn, :lol:.Imagine the resultant 'recession' as all the more popular currencies like US$ GB£ and € all suddenly become worthless! :lol:.

  14. Stubble blindness strikes again! 😉 :lol:Originally posted by mySuperWorld:

    do you even have a penis?

    I heard you have many, and you keep them in separate boxes in the freezer. Curiously, new additions to these boxes coincide with visits from door-to-door salesmen. 😉

  15. Had a guy on the Fable forums thanking me for my ideas on there, saying how much I'd inspired him to think about the game and how features could be balanced between realism and fun to play, and saying how "everyone should thank her" (meaning me) for the many contributions I'd made. 😆 I had to put up the stubble picture there after that.

  16. So, lemme get this straight … he thought you were a female, then proceeded to ask you if you had a penis.O … kayyyy …:left: :right:

  17. Originally posted by clean:

    So, lemme get this straight … he thought you were a female, then proceeded to ask you if you had a penis.O … kayyyy …

    Since i thought that she was a girl, i made a joke about it,

  18. 😆 I just saw you getting back from a club, mildly drunk, draped all over a guy. You turn the light on and suddenly dozens of people leap out shouting "Surprise". There's a banner in the room and balloons… :left:

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