I’ve been running an experiment this month to see just what the effects of my monthly spam would be if I acted on it all. Read on.
Supermarket Shopping Vouchers
In the past 31 days I have been sent notification of £13,050 worth of vouchers to spend at Sainsburys, Tesco, ASDA and Marks and Spencers. As there are only two of us in my household we spend about £50 per week at those places at the most. How fat do the bastards think I am?
Weight Loss Products
Very fat is the answer to the last question as I’ve been sent 207 free samples of weight loss products to claim. Where does all that weight come from?
Each mail claims that they can add an entire three inches to my penis. Unfortunately in the space of the last month I’ve had so many spam mails offering me a penis enlargement that it would be 3,078 inches long by now, including my regular size plus 3 inches per mail. Do I look like Godzilla trampling over Tokyo? What the hell could anyone do with a penis that size?
I’ve had a load of different offers from dating services, usually from “young girls seeking older men”. Oh yeah? You mean girls who’re looking for guys more likely to have a job, house, car and money to spend on them? We call them whores. Still, with a three thousand inch penis I suppose I could slot the 107 dates I’ve been offered on there at the same time easily, making the world’s largest kebab.
With a three thousand inch penis carrying 107 women I’ll need the 3,030 viagra tablets I’ve been offered in my spam just to make the damn thing move.
Laser Eye Surgery
I’ve been offered a lot of laser eye surgery. Actually let me rephrase that. I’ve been offered a LOT of laser eye surgery. So much in fact that I’d feel safer getting Luke Skywalker drunk then letting him perform the surgery with his lightsaber!
If I got a bride from every single message I’d had about them, I’d have 309 wives right now. That’s a lot of women to be pissed off about the 107 women I found at the dating services. Of course my penis size means they’re all in wheelchairs now so I can easily escape them while they’re using vouchers to shop at Tesco.
Someone is going around the globe, systematically wiping out my family. People keep dying in highly suspicious plane crashes and as the closest surviving member of their family I’m getting the inheritance. It’s starting to worry me, especially as my family are all using Nigerian lawyers to send me my inheritance. Have I stumbled on to an international plot which my family is involved in? Could that be why the police wont look into my claims?
I must look in pain or something because people just keep sending me offers to try out new painkillers and relieve my headache. I messaged all 47 offers back, telling them that I’m just grieving for my family and that my three thousand inch penis doesn’t leave enough blood going to my brain for me to have the headache they assume I’m suffering from.
With 309 wives and 107 girls on the side it’s a good job that banks are so willing to lend me money. £805,000 to be exact. Having checked out the interest rates (64% APR on one of them!) all I’ll say is that it’s also a good job that we have vouchers to buy food with and so many inheritances to pay back the loans.
I hope you enjoyed this brief trip through a month’s worth of spam.