Will The Real Jesus Christ Please Stand Up

I want to talk a little about Mary Jo Coady today. Now, for those of you who don’t hear the same news reports I do, this woman claims to have recently had a religious experience. She and her two daughters claim that the image of Jesus has appeared amidst brown burn residue on an iron and that the image actually spoke to her, telling her that he is listening and that everything is going to be alright. Hallelujah and praise the Lord, right? Right?

Heh, you guys know me too well. Would it surprise anyone to learn that Coady recently got divorced from her husband and lost her job? Can you imagine her there despairing about the future and then noticing a burn on an iron that’s shaped kind of like the traditional image of Jesus and hearing her own wishes and hopes coming from it’s mouth. Doesn’t that make more sense? Well it really should do especially as no-one really knows what Jesus looked like these days. The traditional image of Jesus that I’ve seen all over the place is a white guy with long hair and a beard. That’s also a rather vague description of me yet no-one listens when I tell them they’ll be alright. One thing that most of the traditional images of Jesus don’t look like is a Jewish man in his early thirties, which is how he would have realistically looked. There’s a lot of politics and anti-semetic feeling that went into deciding which books would comprise the New Testament of the Bible out of the hundreds of gospels that were available, and this political manipulation is also one of the reasons that traditional images of Jesus are shown more as European looking guys than the Israeli looking man he actually was. As such it’s obvious that this wasn’t a literal manifestation of Jesus that Mary Jo saw, rather the product of her own mind. This woman isn’t alone in her delusion though. Countless people around the world have claimed to see religious icons in burned foods, cookware and irons (burns seem to be a common factor here and it makes me wonder why no-one has ever thought that Lucifer was taking an interest in them rather than Jesus) as well as mouldy fruit and other things. While all these people claim that they recognise Jesus or the Virgin Mary the fact remains that no-one knows what those people actually looked like when they were alive, therefore all they’re recognising is part of the traditional representations that were part of a single artistic tradition undertaken by the Roman Catholic church at some point in history.

Will the real Jesus Christ please stand up, please stand up, please stand up

This is actually a well known psychological condition, that we all suffer from in some form or other, called Pareidolia. The condition basically lets us see significant images in random patterns, and is exacerbated during times of high emotion. If you’ve ever thought a cloud is shaped like something else or can see a picture in the grain of wood (my toilet door has a particularly disturbing face in it) then it’s actually a manifestation of this condition. Humans are inquisitive creatures and we look for meaning all around us so this condition shouldn’t be a surprise to people, nor should the fact that devoutly religious people tend to see religious icons or personal affirmations of their faith. I think it’s a good thing.

You didn’t expect that did you? I who have stood against the hypocrisies of organised religion for so long, who has been branded a heathen by so many religions, who counts himself as more spiritual than any of them can hope to be due to my own open-mindedness to other answers. I have an old philosophy that I adhere to – “Whatever gets you through the night eh?” We have enough hardships in our lives so why can’t we let ourselves indulge these harmless fantasies once in a while if it makes us happy? As long as we’re not hurting anyone with our beliefs or fantasies then we should be able to believe what we want to believe, whether that’s Jesus on an iron or George Burns watching over our lives from his cigar smoking, whiskey drinking image in the clouds.


32 thoughts on “Will The Real Jesus Christ Please Stand Up

  1. The way I hear it is that – physically – Jesus would have, of course, been Middle Eastern, but also a very heavy-set guy, since he was a carpenter. The word 'carpenter' back then pretty much meant stonemason, so he would've grown up lugging huge blocks of stone around, carving them without the aid of pneumatic chisels, etc., which would've lead to a reasonably large physique.Jesus – the Arnold Schwarzenegger of his time. He even said, "I'll be back!" 😉 😆

  2. How come you never hear about religious experiences on the mobile? I mean, I would certainly consider sending a text message if I was a deity longing for attention. It's rational. LikeYo, Abrm! C U @ mount moira, 7 am monday, brng only son for sacrfic. Be there or die. BFF YHVH. 😉

  3. I saw a world without suffering and poor or sick people.I saw a world full of happy people without wars and destruction.I saw a future so distant from now with humanity spread over a lot of planets in our Galaxy.I saw Elvis Pristley this morning and actually talked to him…..Martin, that is hilarious 😆

  4. David, the image on the right is what scientists today reckon Jesus would have actually looked like. The image on the left is the "idealised" aryan version that is seen in burns and fruit. Looks like Jesus is either one of those jews that hates himself or he's fucking with people as revenge for them fucking with him by wearing little metal images of his death.Martin, there's a scene from Family Guy where a load of people are in church singing a hymn.:sing: God you are so good,Although sometimes it's like "what's the deal?"You never answer your cellphone,And you text messages are often ambiguous. :sing:.One per planet Darko, and no means to get to other planets. It's the only way war will die out.

  5. At least we can try to picture Jesus without someone comes and throws bombs at us, burns our embassies and our flags… 😛

  6. :sing: "… Imagine all the people/ living life in peace!/You may say I'm a dreamer/ but I'm not the only one… " *ahem*:o sorry.

  7. Ha! We actually talked about this at lunch yesterday. Or I did :left:. Anyway, about how Jesus most likely didn't look anything at all as the paintings of him.Remember the fuss about Madonna's video to Like A Prayer where Jesus was depicted as a black man…

  8. Madonna's that singer that old people like, right? The woman with the Mike Tyson teeth? :p.I should've posted it earlier so you had something to show the people you were chatting with.

  9. 😆 Mike Tyson teeth!Yeah, I don't know if they were very interested anyway. I guess people have an image in their head, and they don't feel the need to change it.

  10. I have an image in my head from when Guy Ritchie once said that having sex with Madonna was like having sex with a piece of gristle. Now I wish I could change it!

  11. Hmm… what started that conversation…? To be honest, I don't really remember. Our conversations usually start with one thing and end up with something completely different :lol:.I do remember that this was towards the end of lunch, and that it was me who brought it up, but I can't remember what sparked it…

  12. We interpret everything that we see. Apparently, T.V.s are really hard work for our brains. And computer screens. :doh:!

  13. I bet you heard that from TV :p Tv, games, films, books, whatever medium you consume, there's smart kinds and dumb kinds. But I do think that tv naturally lends itself to requiring the least thought.

  14. :eyes: I just made that smart kind and dumb kind argument to someone who believes that all video games are the work of Satan.

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