Dear Furie

I have a secret. Do you want to know what it is? Yeah, I thought so. Okay, promise you wont tell anyone? Good. Here goes: I secretly love to read advice columns in newspapers and magazines, online or just about anywhere I can find them. They’re usually full of people who I always imagine as builders bored on their sites asking questions no-one could possibly need to know the answer to (Can I get pregnant with puppies if I have sex with my dog?) and given advice usually from a self-proclaimed doctor whose life experience amounts to as much as the average ten year old these days. My particular guilty pleasure is sorting the crap questions from those few serious ones and answering the crap ones myself. For example:

Dear Abby,
I am in my forties and have never lost anyone close to me. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has terminal cancer. I am now preoccupied that people’s spirits are near us after they die.

Please don’t laugh, but it gives me the creeps. I don’t want to think my mother-in-law will watch me making love with my husband, that my father will watch me in the bathroom, or that my mother will be critical of me spending more time with the kids than cleaning the house as she did.

Am I crazy to think I might not have any privacy after my loved ones die?
Spooked from Spokane

See what I mean? Awful question, but it’s just possible that the woman has a genuine disorder so it has to be answered. Let’s see how Abby deals with this, shall we?

Dear Spooked,
Calm down. The departed sometimes “visit” those with whom their souls were intertwined, but usually it’s to offer strength, solace and reassurance during difficult times. If your mother-in-law’s spirit visits you while you’re intimate with her son, it will only be to wish you and her son many more years of closeness and happiness in your marriage.

As to your parents, when they travel to the hereafter, I’m sure they’ll have more pleasant things with which to occupy their time than spying on you. So hold a good thought and quit worrying.

Isn’t Abby great? Not only did she tell this woman that her parents would be too busy riding rollercoasters in the afterlife to come visit her, but she put the idea of her mother-in-law cheering on her marriage as she has sex into her head. Nice going Abby. Now let’s see how I do.

Dear Spooked,
We tell ourselves that spirits of loved ones watch over us, and that our spirit will live on after death as a way of coping with the fear of the ultimate unknown, but it seems that this concept has become an obsession for you. It’s not at all odd for you to go through something like this while coming to terms with an upcoming death of someone close to you. We all deal with death in different ways and the first is always the hardest. I can assure you that these things do get easier with time, but if this obsession persists I’d suggest you seek professional help to root out the cause of these fears. It’s most likely that you’re quite a private person who has had her privacy invaded at a young age during what you think of as an intimate moment. Perhaps a member of your family walked in on you as you were getting undressed and the shock has stayed with you all these years, manifesting now in these obsessive thoughts.

We can use a little common sense to help combat your fears. Does your mother-in-law regularly spy on you and her son making love? Does your father regularly watch you while you’re on the toilet? If not then you shouldn’t fear that their spirits will suddenly want to do that either. If they actually do these things in life then I think a few obsessive thoughts are the least of your worries. If you still can’t quite shake the fears you’re having then try talking to your loved ones and explaining your obsessive thoughts to them. Explain that you know they’re silly thoughts but you just can’t seem to shake them, and ask for a promise from them that they wont haunt you or judge you after death, just as a way to put your mind at ease so you can concentrate on acceptance. At the very least they’ll know you’re having a hard time too and try to see you through it.

How’s that? I didn’t point out to the woman that she’s obviously a very controlling person, that her own mother is just as controlling and that these obsessive thoughts have been brought on by the continued lack of control of her current situation (can’t help the mother-in-law, can’t stop her husband from losing his mother, suddenly confronted by the thought that death can happen to her own parents) nor did I mention that she’s most likely the victim of some form of sexual abuse in the past where an intimate situation occurred and control was taken away from her. I did suggest that she seeks further help if these things progress and I did give her a course of action to follow to try and gain her some support as well as set her mind at ease. But the most important thing I did that Abby failed to do was to assure this woman that it’s natural to get freaked out by death.


15 thoughts on “Dear Furie

  1. Good advicing. You reply, I mean. The original reply is just plain crap, like most of them are. In Denmark we have a weekly magazine which has a real doctor doing an advice column. He has done it for about 40 years, and he is welknown, also in more serious foras. His answers are pretty much like the one you give 'Spooked', and where it is necessary he'd also suggest to seek professional help. Those theree words 'seek professional help' seems to be the most apprpriate answer to most of the letters people send to newspapers. I've worked in the business, and going through the letters that people send to newspapers is a weird job to say the least.

  2. Stupid question requires a stupid answer, I would say. What to think about someone who would ask that kind of question on the newspapers. If someone has weird fears, that person must visit a psychologist and talk about it. Going public with it could just make it all worse….

  3. That's probably the most helpful reply I've ever seen to a problem page. Your reply, that is. I think the lack of helpfulness in the replies could well have something to do with the career of these problem page Agony Aunts. You read through so much, and it all just seems the same. And trivial. I think in problem pages the editor of the medium in which the problem page is located should arrange for experts in certain fields to answer questions of those particular fields. This way the answer is far more appropriate than the opinion of one dolled-up cougar.

  4. PS"If your mother-in-law's spirit visits you while you're intimate with her son, it will only be to wish you and her son many more years of closeness and happiness in your marriage."mothers in law never make these kind of wishes either 😆

  5. Dear Spooked,How is that different from the times you were having sex with your husband when your mother-in-law was alive and in the room with you both, cheering her boy on?

  6. What's spookey is that there are so many 'Abbys' out there and so many desperate people who are actually hoping for a Furie but end up with An Abby instead! :insane::awww::left:.

  7. Actually it's a caption for your comment. Remind me to come up with a specific style so I can edit those into people's comments and have them stand out. Soon as I've finished prettifying this place anyway.

  8. Originally posted by Furie:

    Aadil's blind date didn't go to plan…

    My blind date was fine! It was her guide dog that didn't like me! :awww:.

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