Here’s a question for you. How stupid do you have to be to want an iPhone? More specifically, what kind of person wants an iPhone so badly that they’re willing to steal one?
Meet Joseph Eric Williams, a nineteen year old from South Florida. Joseph is an iPhone thief who has targetted fifteen AT&T stores in the past seven weeks, starting in Tamarac and more recently moving up towards the Palm Beach area. Each time he’s followed the same routine – he walks into each store, locates the iPhone display, snatches two or three of the £900 phones from the display case and runs from the store. Now obviously Joseph doesn’t need the thirty or forty phones that he’s stolen and is selling them as soon as possible, and that’s where we hit the first hurdle for our hapless Apple fan. You see, phone stores keep a record of every phone they take stock of and can remotely lock the phone within seconds of it being stolen so that it can’t be used. Either our thieving orchard connoseur is too stupid to realise this or the people he’s selling these phones to are too stupid to realise they don’t work. Could it be that he has an honest enough face that his customers don’t bother seeing them in action before they buy one from him? His teardrop and moneybag facial tattoos are one thing that draws me away from that conclusion…
On the subject of his facial tattoos, they’re one of the reasons that authorities know it’s him committing these crimes. Not content with performing these crimes without a mask he doesn’t even cover up his three identifying facial tattoos in any way. Yeah, I know I’ve only mentioned two of them so far. That’s because the third one is a little strange. It seems that our Apple fan is also a fan of customer service (despite skipping that part of his phone shopping experience) to the point that he loves those “Hello. My name is” badges that many shop employees wear so much that he modelled his trademark tattoo around them. Quite simply it says “I’m me” in large capital letters on his forehead, and he uses it to introduce himself to people.
Maybe he forgets who he is a lot or maybe he’s planning on using that as his entire line of defence when he’s caught? All I know is that Joseph Eric Williams is the answer to the question at the top of this page.