If you’re a regular reader of this page (and if not, why not?) then you’ll know I have a rather distinctive guilty pleasure. I adore bad movies. Now I’m not talking about your regular bad movies here. I’m talking about the sort of hollywood abortion that is so bad that it’s laughable. You don’t follow the plot because you’re too busy putting words in the character’s mouths or thoughts into their heads to match the actor’s bizarre choice of expression that has no chance of matching the current situation. The sort of film where the editing appears to have been done by throwing the film at a wood chipper then playing what survives in the order you can find it. The sort of film that has had several alternate versions of a scene filmed and then those are cut together into one scene despite the costume changes between takes. Yeah, really bad movies and I love them all.
However, I’ve recently become aware of a driving force in these bad movies. Brooke Lewis – an actress so bad that even I feel pain watching her as she tries desperately to make her FBI agent seem natural while shouting at the victim of the second knife attack in a few months, or scowling at an elderly man who she’s just accused in front of his wife of being a cyberporn addict. Those two both happened in a film called iMurders by the way and, having just watched it, I can only describe it as a shame. The premise of the movie is simple – a group of people who meet up every fortnight online to play a game are being murdered one by one and have to figure out who is committing. The story itself is sound and could have made a good little mystery movie – not a classic of course but the sort that you watch and enjoy then forget about the next day. Unfortunately the producers decided that the story needed to play out like a Point Horror book with too many ancillary plot points distracting from the actual plot, and being the sole reason anyone wouldn’t figure out who the murderer is within three seconds of the movie starting. Yes, you don’t actually see the killer then but it’s pretty obvious anyway. Only by almost constantly switching away to people who have nothing to do with the actual storyline does the movie manage to keep the viewer confused. What’s more, these switches take screen time away from our victims meaning that you don’t know them as well as you could have and, therefore, have no sympathy for them when they die.
So why am I complaining about an actress if the movie itself was so bad? Firstly, she makes the movie ten times worse with her attempt at what I’m sure she calls acting and what I’m equally anyone who has ever seen a movie before calls gurning. Secondly, she was the executive producer of that movie and had at least some control over turning it into something even a bad movie fan like myself couldn’t enjoy. And finally, in every interview I’ve read she seems to think that she’s a truly great actress when her history and lack of talent paint her as a fading scream queen whose very presence in a movie condemns it to the hell of unknown mediocrity – almost like an acting King Midas, but with a touch of that turns everything to crap not gold. Congratulations Brooke Lewis, you’re the worst actress in the entire world.