Have you guys ever heard of Stephanie Travetta Moreland? No? Well she’s one hell of a fat bastard. What? You think I’m being cruel here? Listen to my story and you’ll see what I mean.
It all started on New Year’s Eve, when an employee at the Alaskan Fur Company spotted Stephanie kneeling on the floor of the shop, stuffing a fur coat up her dress while one of her accomplices tried to distract the employees. Knowing that the fur coat retailed for $6,500 and not wanting that taken out of their wages, the employee did what anyone in that situation would do and confronted the gigantic wall of blubber. It was then that the incident that caused that employee to retreat into a world of their own and become non-responsive to external stimuli happened, as Stephanie hiked up her dress and showed her bare arse to the employee (who is thoroughly enjoying their new rubber wallpaper), but no fur coat. As the employee began weeping and trying to remove their own eyes with the nearest spoon, Stephanie drove off with her accomplice and a third party.
The police were called and the fat ass was pulled over near the Mall of America, presumably for not having a heavy goods licence. At this point Stephanie admitted to stealing the coat but denied still having it on her. She was given a pat down search by officers and passed through a metal detector, but as no female officers were on duty (my instinct tells me they saw what was coming and quit) she wasn’t given a full body search. She sat in jail for three days until the court opened again after the holidays, eating, sleeping and visiting the bathroom in front of other inmates and officers. When interviewed again she still denied having the coat until she was told she’d have to go to court that morning. It was at that point that the beached whale of a woman pulled up her dress and pulled the fur coat out of her pants, dumping the sopping wet fur on the table in the interview room.
Moreland had modified a pair of pants so that it looked like she wasn’t wearing any from behind (which cost the sanity of one poor fur shop employee) yet they could hold items in the front. Of course, there’s only one way someone could get away with having a fur coat down there and still look normal to others – they’re already the fattest creature on the planet, and people are unsurprised to see something so large at groin level (a problem I suffer from all the time, weather permitting 😉 ). Congratulations Stephanie Travetta Moreland, not only is your name stupid, but you win the Fat Bastard Of The Year award.