I’m about to tell you a story you’ll never forget. A story of insanity that is easily the weirdest thing I’ve ever written about. If you consider that this is the page where I’ve revealed an ancient chinese recipe that is still popular today and a woman who bit off her boyfriends testicles during an argument (and, of course, who could forget Kitty’s secret life?) then you’ll realise this is going to be one hell of a story. It’s such a good story that it’ll be my last one. That’s right folks, I’m quitting writing this page today as there is no way in hell anything will ever manage to match up to this story. It’s been a good few years; I feel I’ve accomplished much more than I set out to with this page and I feel there is more I could do still, but this story is so good that I just have to quit with it. Bye… But not before you read this story. This is true by the way although I’m sure you’ll wonder if I’m making it up as I go along.
This is the story of Mark Thompson, a nineteen year old from Charleston, West Virginia, whose obsession with cleanliness led him down the darkest of routes.
It all started on Monday the 2nd of May when Lisa Powers, a neighbour of Thompson’s, received a call from one of Thompson’s live-in relatives. The name and relationship of the relative has not been released at this time and, as the story goes on, you’ll start to see why. Lisa wasn’t in the house at the time of the call but her nephew answered the phone. The relative then complained to Lisa’s nephew that Lisa’s new pet had somehow gotten into their house and was running loose. The nephew and two other female relatives of Miss Powers (who, with a name like that, we can only assume was saving the world at the time) went over to the Thompson property to retrieve the pet – a newly aquired pygmy goat called Bailey and bought for Miss Powers’ four year old grandson. What they saw there would stay with them for as long as this story will stay with you, and caused them to call the police.
When the police arrived they took statements from everybody, and immediately realised it was going to be one of those days. The nephew and female relatives explained about the phone call and how they had come over to collect their goat. As they arrived on the scene they noticed the door was open and, after calling out and not receiving an answer they went inside to investigate (how this entire family has not seen any horror films in their lives is beyond me). Their impromptu investigation took them to Thompson’s bedroom.
“Don’t come in, I’m naked.” Thompson called out but the women had already opened the door. They found the boy standing over the body of their goat, which was obviously dead, with his pants down. As they tried to question Thompson he fled into the woods. The Powers family then casually mentioned (they probably mentioned it before that but I like to think of them casually adding this in as an afterthought) that Mark Thompson was dressed entirely in women’s clothing.
The police, having checked around for the hidden cameras they no doubt expected to be there after that story, procured a search warrant and investigated the house. There they found that the goat had indeed been murdered in the bedroom. The poor animal, which was wearing a pink collar, had been stabbed in the neck. Next to the corpse of the goat was a pornographic photo torn from a magazine that was no longer on the premises. The state of the animal’s corpse showed that it had been interfered with sexually and that it may have been penetrated post mortem.
Police put out an APB for Mark Thompson and he was soon found hiding in the woods. He was covered in blood and wearing a bra and panties. Thompson said in his statement that he had been high for three days on bath salts. Now I can’t think of a reason why anyone would willingly ingest things you use to make your bath smell nice so one can only assume that he was affected by them in the bath itself as they soaked into his skin. How important is cleanliness to this boy that he’d ever risk having another bath after that? What’s that? You say they’re drugs? But surely the legal high (also known as “Bullshit do these things work but kids are stupid enough to believe anything and will actually act high just to prove they work to themselves”) provided by the bath salts “drug” can’t be anything to do with this case? Whatever the case he’s claiming that it was this intoxicated state provided by the bath salts that made him do it.
Police revealed that the community had complained about Thompson’s antics before, elaborating that many of them had been quite rightly concerned about his mental health, while some had been afraid of him.
Now tell me, are you ever going to forget that story? Good, then I’ll be on my way.