The Arch Nemesis
- Dress in a new costume comprised of a crash helmet painted silver, a black jumpsuit, silver moonboots and a bright red cape.
- Show up at a random funeral (this must be open casket) where nobody knows me.
- Stride purposefully up to the casket and peer down at the deceased.
- Lean in close and state “I believe this round belongs to me, my old friend…” loud enough for everyone in the funeral to hear.
- Dramatically wrap the cape around yourself and stalk out of the funeral while people are still wondering if their grandfather was a superhero in between those games of dominoes.
- Dress as a seventies glam rockstar, but hide this under a very business-like trenchcoat.
- Get on a train early in the morning when businessmen are on their way to work.
- Ensure you’re in a carriage where the majority of people are doing Sudoku in their newspapers.
- Glance at the person sitting next to you and wait until they’re entering the number one.
- Tear off the trenchcoat, climb on the table and scream out “One is the loneliest number that there’s ever been”.
- Wait until someone attempts to speak to you before continuing “Two can be as bad as one” while tearing the newspaper from your neighbour’s hands and dancing it around the carriage.
The Crossword Puzzler
- Buy a broadsheet newspaper.
- Get on a train and sit next to someone who looks like they hate rail travel.
- Flip to the crossword and fill in parts of it so the only words that can be seen read “They have my wife. For the love of god, help me.”
- Leave the newspaper on the train table with the crossword facing up and calmly leave the train.
Please Wake Up
- Get a group of at least ten people together to pull this one off, preferably people who are good at distorting their voices so they sound like they don’t fit their faces.
- Pick a victim (who none of the group know) and stalk them throughout the day without being seen.
- At random moments get one of the people in the group to approach the person and say either “I love you”, “Wake up, you’re in a coma”, or “Come back to us. We miss you”, embrace the victim and then walk away.
- Ensure that everyone in the group knows to deny everything when questioned by the person and to deny having approached them in the first place.
Vulgarity Defines Humanity
- Break into every single movie studio in the world and steal all of the master copies of all movies.
- Re-dub every single one so that any cursing is replaced by the word “Pooping” and its derivatives.
- Break back into the film studios and replace the newer master copies with the edited versions.
- Watch carefully to see how humanity changes when their language is taken from them.
- Relax afterwards by watching Die Hard – “Yippie kay eh, motherpooper!”
- With the use of certain not quite legal substances, get a group of people into a state where they’re more open to suggestion.
- Tell them that the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a look at mental illness and that Cameron Fry is the only real character in the film, the rest being extensions of his subconscious.
- Put the movie on for everyone to watch.
- Watch with interest as Cameron goes crazy in the car, Ferris subverts the parade with karaoke, Cameron gives the lonely look of quiet despair in the art gallery, and everyone gets a happy ending once Cameron gets the guts to stand up to his father.
- Discuss the movie with the now engrossed group of people and their thoughts on the way Cameron’s mind works.