If, like me, you scroll posts and check out the pictures before reading the words you’ll have no doubt noticed the slightly evil looking teenaged girl that adorns this post. You may have wondered why she’s filling in a letter to Santa at her age or why her hair is so terrifyingly lesbianic (a mixture of lesbian hair and 80s giant robot toy lines). The child is thirteen year old Mekeeda Austin and she’s been in the news recently because her mother found a letter to Santa in her schoolbag. As I’m sure all parents reading this would have done, Mekeeda’s mother Tracey first said “Awwwwwww” out loud and then wondered to herself just how much a child psychologist charges for ridding kids of the belief in Santa. Then she opened the letter to see what her daughter wanted for Christmas.
Inside was a politely written list of things that the girl wanted delivered to her for Christmas including a Blackberry smartphone and the real-life Justin Bieber. What followed got Tracey thinking about the cost of child psychologists again as Mekeeda made sure that Santa knew he was to deliver at least two of the gifts in the list or she would find him and kill him. Just in case Santa was weary of his long reign as the king of Christmas and didn’t mind death threats, she made sure that he knew she’d go after his loved ones as well, threatening to hunt down his reindeer, cook them and serve their meat to the homeless on Christmas day (which, as a fan of venison, sounds like a bloody lovely thing to do for the homeless). “Remember,” the note to Santa ends, “two of these or you die.”
“When I first found the note I thought it was funny.” lied the terrified mother who was frantically searching the yellow pages for the psychology section at the time of interview. “Now I think I’d better get her what she wants. The last thing I want is for her to kill Santa.” said the forty year old mother whose still existing belief in Santa has obviously caused these problems for her daughter.
When Mekeeda was questioned on the matter by local news sources (presumably having had the story sold to them by a mother who couldn’t afford all the gifts and wanted to save the local grotto from being raided by her daughter Columbine-style), she gave this reply; “I don’t really believe in Santa any more but I was angry because I thought I wasn’t going to get all the presents I wanted this year. I want all of these things and I don’t see why I shouldn’t get them.” Hmmm, how about the fact that, as a Justin Bieber fan your genes should be removed from the world rather than given anything they want?