No, this isn’t Martin Luther Kings lesser known “I had a dream but I’ll tell you about it later” speech. Nor is it me starting an Abba themed karaoke night. Nor still is this about one of those dreams of childhood that somehow never quite turn out the way you expect them to.
Also, it’s worth mentioning that this isn’t a pipe dream either, although my spam folder and the pop ups on the sites I visit do try to fill my head with them. In fact, as I’ve a rage-on for those pop ups, lets take a brief segue from my dream and have a quick look at the content of them shall we? The following is the small print on an ad that comes up full screen and tells me I’ve won an iPhone.
Anyway, much as I would love to tell you all about my dream of Apple headquarters slowly smouldering so that the cult of hype they’ve built doesn’t fool people into these sorts of competition scams, or my dream of rounding up everyone involved with these scams and setting up a Battle Royale situation, none of these are the dream I started to tell you all about. No, this dream is something far more interesting, at least to me. This dream involves these two.
The guy is Bobcat Goldthwait, a stand up comedian best known for his squeaky-voiced role in the Police Academy movies. The woman is the lovely Belinda Carlisle, a singer from the ’80s, pictured here before she started to look like she exclusively ate elderly Nicole Kidmans. Now, I don’t know these two but I kind of did in the dream I had the other night. You see, in my dream Bobcat was a hobo who kept coming into my store and distracting me whenever I was trying to serve customers. Oh, didn’t I mention? I ran a store in my dream.
The store is supposed to be a Spar (a kind of franchised convenience store in the UK) according to my memory of it in the dream and the sign outside, and is located in the same place as the Spar I used to use most as a child, near to my best friends house. Inside is a different matter though. It’s laid out like an American mini-mart (thank you very much standardised television locations) but shining white and with elevator music playing in the background. In real life this is the sort of store that would drive me mad, but it’s mine in the dream and I’m proud of it and look after it the best I can.
I don’t run this shop alone. There are two girls I run it with who are physically the two best friends of an ex whose name I can’t quite place, but whose personalities have mostly been replaced with other acquaintances. They don’t really matter to my dream as they are spending most of the dream on the roof sunbathing while fully clothed. It’s their day off, you see, and apparently my sleeping mind is a little prudish.
So, you’ve got the basic setup for my dream. Now all you need to know is that a customer has come in looking for a copy of a Belinda Carlisle album which remained nameless because I don’t know the names of her albums to call on in my subconscious mind. After a bit of a back and forth with me trying to tell this guy that we don’t sell music and him not accepting it, I tell him we do have one thing that might suit his needs.
That’s when I went to aisle three (again, thank you television in the ’90s for always sending people to aisle three) to find Belinda Carlisle. You see, we don’t sell music but apparently musicians are just sitting on the shelf in my dream store. Unfortunately we appear to be out of Belinda Carlisles at that time, although I know we haven’t sold any. I rushed through the door to the stock room and found myself magically transported up to the roof where the other girls were sunbathing.
Dream doors seem to work that way, I’ve found. You go through a door in one place and it bends physics to lead you out through another door that isn’t connected to the original in any way. It’s always been one of my favourite aspects of dreams and the fact that it makes logical sense while in the dream has always fascinated me. Of course, being in the dream I thought nothing of it, and simply shook the sleeping sunbathers by their thick cardigans to wake them.
Neither of them had sold a Belinda Carlisle so I went back through the door, skipping the stairs again and this time ended up in the stockroom. It was there that I found Bobcat the hobo going through the tubs of beer flavoured ice cream (because what else would a hobo want in such hot cardigan weather?) and filling his pockets. I chased him out of the store and went around the stockroom trying to find out if any Belinda Carlisles had been lost down the back of a shelf.
Finding nothing I returned to the customer and was confronted by another dream phenomenon. The customer was frozen in place, having not moved a muscle since he’d left my sight. Only when I got around the counter to my serving position did he start to move and make noise again. What? Prove to me that people exist outside of my knowledge of them and my mind might start allowing them to do things when I’m not there. Until then, if you’re in here, you’re only allowed a certain amount of free will.
As the customer started to move I could see Bobcat again. He’d shrunk himself, just like hobos tend to do when they’ve been on the beer ice cream, and was sitting on the shoulder of the customer. Now I had to politely deal with the customer while somehow getting the hobo off his shoulder. That’s right, my dream had turned into the sort of 1970s sitcom that would offer Robin Williams a role as the straight man.
After that the memories devolve into chaos. I remember the muzak in the store turning into the Benny Hill theme at some point. I remember chasing Bobcat out of several strange places, all while trying to keep his presence a secret from the customer and find that pesky hidden Belinda Carlisle. And then, just as I saw something shining in a distant corner of the store, just as the speakers of the store started playing a tinny muzak version of Heaven Is A Place On Earth, just as Bobcat was climbing the drainpipe up to the sunbathing cardigan wearers in an effort to make a friend who could supply him with that magical size changing beer flavoured cold dairy product…
I woke up, and I was smiling.