Anti-Semitic Cold

What you may or may not know about the burning chunk of manliness that you’re imagining as you read this, is that I didn’t have my first cold until I was thirty. Oh sure, I managed to work through the aches, pains and fever of both flu and pneumonia, but never had a cold or the basic symptoms of one.

What I’m telling you is that this nose here has only recently begun to run, and the muscled and toned body you’re imagining connected to that nose (gosh you have a good imagination) isn’t used to sneezing and sniffling. So it should come as no surprise that I’m hit by colds much like a child would be as they’re a new phenomenon to me. That’s embarrassing to me, and cuts into my productivity (fried chicken ain’t gonna eat itself) so each time I hope that the next one will be the one where my body (that glistening muscled thing that’s making you lick your lips right now) grows up and learns to deal with it. And, with the cold that I have right now, it seems to have done just that. Unfortunately, it seems that growing up and casual racism go together because I have an anti-semitic cold.

I know what you’re seeing right now. Your minds eye lifts from the glory of my moobs and looks upon my face, seeing some sort of Hitler style moustache formed from the things dribbling from my perfectly formed nose. Oh, if only it were that simple. The problem lies with my sneezes, you see. Now, I’ve got the first part down and everything is fine with that.

cold1

I would go so far as to say I’ve mastered that part. It’s the second part where the problems lie. Rather than following that collection of Ahs with a nice unhealthy Choo, I’ve been, well…

cold2

As is the case with anti-semitic colds, the more I become aware of the problem the louder and more definitely pronounced it gets. It also adds a particularly dark spinย to any of the advice you normally get for dealing with colds too when you’re walking around seemingly shouting “JEW!!!” at the top of your voice. God knows what the neighbours think.

The worst part of this is that I can’t risk going out to get my favourite chicken wings as they’re sold in a part of the city that is mostly populated by the Polish.

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45 thoughts on “Anti-Semitic Cold

  1. Me sainted (believe that, and I’ll tell you another) mum used to serve mutton … bloody good, actually. A bit strong for some tastes, though. It certainly adds a touch of authenticity to a real mulligan stew.

    Don’t care one whit for those wings … common as dirt over here, of course, and not surprisingly, either, considering the peculiar mix of our population, though perhaps those available to you have been “Britished”, which might make them palatable.

    My S.I.L. married a Russian woman, who seems to be learning LOTS of American (a relief to me, since my Russian was never very good, even some 50 years ago when I learned it). She cooks many east-European dishes, but my favourite is her borscht … ะžั‡ะตะฝัŒ ะฒะบัƒัะฝะพ! … even the old Russian Jewish ะฑะฐะฑัƒัˆะบะธ of my youth could not make it so well!

    Here’s something you might enjoy:

    BTW: take it from me: You do NOT want to block, or even partially block, a sneeze. Cover your face with something sturdy enough to prevent the scenery being coated with nasal diarrhea, but let it go, full blast. Your eardrums will thank you for it.

    • I’ve powerful lungs. We buy thick tissues (earning some dodgy knowing looks from the cashiers at shops) and my sneezes destroy them.

      The place we go to in that Polish, Turkish and Indian quarter of the city (they just love their segregation here) is a mixed asian restaurant run by a guy who seems to be Greek Cypriot. I tend to mix their Malaysian chicken with rice and Chinese chicken wings. The wings are absolutely gorgeous. Never tasted anything like them before and they made this place a clear favourite for me. Kim loves the taste there too but suffers from how hot the food is on her delicate palate.

      I haven’t actually had mutton in a long time. I love lamb but it’s so fatty so I might try slow cooking mutton later on to see if it works out. Still, instead of chicken wings? Madness, I say.

    • I didn’t know that mentioning mutton would draw so much attention ๐Ÿ˜€ Wasn’t it the most used meat in middle ages in Britain? I know it was in Serbia, along with pork.
      Last time I was having mutton was 25 year ago while I was in the army. One of the guys from my squad was from central Serbia and after one of his visits to home he brought a big chunk of mutton and shared it with us. Very strong taste but I liked it. But it was never that popular in northern Serbia where I lived.

  2. I sneeze like a girl. Everybody laughs at me, because, much like you, my appearance is the very frame of manliness and raw power, and I have a voice that make people turn around to see if there’s a TV somewhere with an extremely badass super villain on. But when I sneeze… It’s like chi-ho, chi-ho, chi-ho, like a cat. Very subtle. And it’s not because I hold it back. I would very much like to level mountains with a big, manly sneeze, but… My son has a longish, nasal sneeze (sometimes even with visible exhaust), and my wife has a sneeze that will crack open the portals to several dimensions. She has the lungs of a Gospel diva.

    Oh, and Heil Gensundtheit back at ya!

    PS: Muttons tastes like cooked shoes. But those wings sound very nice.

  3. :irked: Well!

    What I said was sniffle and forgot to close my tags. * sigh*
    I’m sure you’re over your little cold now… as for mutton: baaaaahhh! Glad to see the old Opera crew is intact. I hardly get over here. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Aaah, that makes some sort of sense.

      The cold is gone thankfully, but I rubbed all hell out of my eyes during the worst parts of it (probably while trying to snap to a nazi salute).

  4. Actually it was the yearly ritual I undertake where the worlds chicken is covered in herbs and spices and shovelled into me. Ever wonder why my robot army takes over countries but seemingly does nothing nefarious? Now ask yourself why America, the country that eats the most chicken in the world, suddenly drops everything for turkey on the week of my birthday…

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